The Anger Gamble

Email is a dangerous tool. It is easy to create, is lightning fast, and once it's sent, it can't be unsent. How many times have we, in anger, sent an email and then regretted it. Why do we do that? Well, apparently there is a scientific basis for this.

 

At our recent IACP Conference, Dr. Jennifer Lerner has explained that anger has some interesting effects upon our decision making ability. According to Dr. Lerner:

 

Anger has been shown to bias perceptions of risk, which can fundamentally shape leaders’ most critical decisions. In one early experiment, we found that individuals who felt angry tended to engage in riskier behaviors than did individuals in a neutral emotional state.

In other words, when we are angry, we tend to minimize the risks of our behavior more than when we are not angry. How does this relate to Collaborative work? Well, consider ignoring the risks of our own behavior on:

 

• financial outcomes ("I'd rather give it all to my lawyer than to give her one dime...";
• parenting outcomes ("Look what your father has done to US");
• personal outcomes (see the results of "stalking" and "harassing" behaviors);

Intuitively, I think we all know that anger has a negative impact on the quality of our decisions - however, the more that we learn about the physiological underpinnings of our emotions, the more we can see in a more predictable way just what those effects are.

 

The answer? Well, as we've learned, it's not to ignore the anger, it's not to just tell ourselves or our clients to "get over it" - it's to learn to recognize it when it occurs, and to examine it, and understand it. And when we understand it, we can learn to help diffuse it. So - for Collaborative professionals, recognize and discuss with clients the impact of anger on their welfare- that studies do show that they are inclined to make decisions that are not "risk adverse".

 

Anger is real. We cannot ignore the reality of it - however, we can learn to recognize it in ourselves or our clients, and we can educate them that perhaps, in the midst of anger, we are not at our best.

 

Collaborative Practice gives us the opportunity to help reduce the impact of emotion on our decisions.

Finding Inspiration in "Almost Famous"

So.

I'm flying home yesterday from Minneapolis, and I'm sort of vegetating, a little bit tired, and I start watching "Almost Famous" on my computer. Truly one of my favorite movies, I've watched it about 50 times, but, I thought, I'll watch it again

And as I watch it, there is a scene between the young rock journalist with Rolling Stone (William Miller) and the lead guitarist for the band he is following (Russell Hammond), and the exchange that struck me was one where Russell was expressing his concern for his band being "exposed" by William's ability to see them as they really are, and not as they like to see themselves. During a quiet moment between the two of them, Russell makes this observation to William:

You're dangerous.. you see everything.
Most people, they're just waiting to talk. You listen.

Seems simple doesn't it? But in our work, I think it is perhaps quite profound.

As lawyers, we like to "explain" and "advise". And if we're not careful, we can get into a collaborative meeting and the two lawyers can dominate the conversation - with good intentions, but, well, there you have it.

We need to take William Miller's lead. We need to do more than "wait for our chance to talk." To be truly "dangerous" in attacking our client's problems, to be effective, we need to listen. We need to "see everything." Our talk needs to be less explanation and advice and more open, curious, questioning. To learn about our clients, and, through us, help them learn about themselves - what they need, what their interests are.

So - lesson learned from "Almost Famous".

..oh, and to borrow from another character in the movie, William's mother, Elaine Miller, as she exhorts Russell to move beyond his world of rock and roll "Valhalla decadence" and to aspire to something more:

"Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid."

Sitting at Gate C3.. What Did I Get Out of the IACP Conference

Well, here I am sitting at Gate C3 at Minneapolis/St. Paul International Airport, reflecting on the conference. Every year I attend the IACP Conferences, and every year I pick up at least a couple of tools that help me be a more effective collaborator, helping my clients find solutions in the tempest which is the breakup of their marriage or relationship.  From Vancouver, to Boston, to San Diego, to Atlanta, to New Orleans and now to Minneapolis, I have wandered, seeking the wisdom in this still developing Collaborative Practice phenomenon.  It has been a most interesting and enjoyable journey for me.

This last weekend, I think what has sunk in with me most is the deeper understanding of the very real physiological underpinnings of conflict. 

To help people find solutions in family conflicts, we need to help them be their "most functional", and that isn't when their emotions are their least understood and least controlled. At it isn't enough to tell them to ignore their feelings - in fact, that sort of advice, apparently, makes it worse.

We need to firstly - more than ever - help clients through the use of coaches - counselors who help clients sort out their feelings and how best to respond to those feelings.  Everyone could use at least a little support sorting out their emotions in a relationship breakdown - even those who think they are functioning at the highest levels. And that goes for their lawyers too, we've learned.

Beyond having good and supportive coaches, the lawyers have to be aware of those emotions, identify them, and then work to understand where they are coming from. From that recognition and analysis, we can then move to taking away from those emotions the power to over-ride our need to engage our "right brain" so that we can make the best decisions possible.

We learned, for example, that being able to predict pain makes it more bearable and actually reduces the effect that anger and fear can have on us. So - normalize those emotions. Tell our clients, "It's ok to be upset and to be angry. You will likely find moments during negotiations where you are going to be upset and angry - and when that happens, let us know. Let me know. And then, we're going to deal with it. We're going to explain in non-combative language, "I'm feeling angry, or sad, or frustrated when...this... happens." And then we'll find a way to, if not have your spouse agree with you; at least understand your feelings and why you feel them.

In doing this - with your client or yourself, it reduces the power that those emotions have to cloud our rational thought process. It increases our own personal power to work beyond the upset and the anger, and gives us the best chance of finding resolution in a respectful and constructive manner.

So - easy to say, now it's going to take some work to implement.

But, I think, the work is worth it.

Collaborative Law - in the interests of families and children..

Call to all Bloggers.. support Collaborative Law and Collaborative Practice!

Today there was an article in the Globe that is certainly going to raise some eyebrows regarding Family Law, and specifically, custody of children after divorce in Canada. As reported in the Globe and Mail, recent statistics of "Parental Alienation Syndrome" suggest that mothers are more likely than fathers to engage in parental alienation - where one parent "systematically brainwashes a child into hating the other parent".

The report also suggests that notwithstanding this data, the Court is less likely to direct counselling for women than men in alienation cases.

As a family lawyer for some 24 years, I guess I'm not shocked by these findings, though, with the statistical sample, it's difficult, I think to make these generalizations regarding gender - however, it does point to an inescapable reality - that the anger and bitterness in Divorce is a cancer than spreads to the parent's children if left unchecked.

I'm the Vice-President of the Association of Collaborative Lawyers of Alberta, and am also involved with the International Association of Collaborative Professionals and as such, I am a huge promoter of "Collaborative Law" or "Collaborative Practice".

For those who may not have heard of this - it is a negotiation process where lawyers who have obtained training in mediation or "interest based" (non-confrontational) negotiation, must sign a contract with their clients that, among other things, disqualifies the lawyers from ever going to Court for their clients. Yes - lawyers designed a process where they, and their clients, are required to resolve their differences respectfully, without any possible recourse to the Court process.

Often this negotiation includes a "team" approach where the parties also hire a "child specialist" to help the parents learn what is needed to help their children, a financial specialist to help sort out financial issues, and a coach or coaches to help facilitate an effective negotiation process.

This process has, throughout Canada, the U.S.A., and in fact the world, has shown great promise in helping people find a civilized way to move beyond one of the most painful processes in their lives.. particularly when they have children.

So - as we see Globe articles on the carnage which divorce can visit upon children - be aware that there is a growing group of committed lawyers who actually want to do something that helps people resolve problems respectfully, and in a manner which gives their children a chance at a happy future where divorce does occur.

For more information on the Collaborative Process, links are here:

http://www.collaborativelaw.ca

http://www.collaborativepractice.com

What is Collaborative Practice?

Collaborative Practice, including Collaborative Law and interdisciplinary Collaborative Divorce, is a new way for you to resolve disputes respectfully -- without going to court -- while working with trained professionals who are important to all areas of your life. The term incorporates all of the models developed since IACP's Minnesota lawyer Stu Webb created Collaborative Law ideas in the 1980s.

The heart of Collaborative Practice or Collaborative Divorce (also called “no-court divorce,” “divorce with dignity,” “peaceful divorce”) is to offer you and your spouse or partner the support, protection, and guidance of your own lawyers without going to court. Additionally, Collaborative Divorce allows you the benefit of child and financial specialists, divorce coaches and other professionals all working together on your team.