Sitting at Gate C3.. What Did I Get Out of the IACP Conference

Well, here I am sitting at Gate C3 at Minneapolis/St. Paul International Airport, reflecting on the conference. Every year I attend the IACP Conferences, and every year I pick up at least a couple of tools that help me be a more effective collaborator, helping my clients find solutions in the tempest which is the breakup of their marriage or relationship.  From Vancouver, to Boston, to San Diego, to Atlanta, to New Orleans and now to Minneapolis, I have wandered, seeking the wisdom in this still developing Collaborative Practice phenomenon.  It has been a most interesting and enjoyable journey for me.

This last weekend, I think what has sunk in with me most is the deeper understanding of the very real physiological underpinnings of conflict. 

To help people find solutions in family conflicts, we need to help them be their "most functional", and that isn't when their emotions are their least understood and least controlled. At it isn't enough to tell them to ignore their feelings - in fact, that sort of advice, apparently, makes it worse.

We need to firstly - more than ever - help clients through the use of coaches - counselors who help clients sort out their feelings and how best to respond to those feelings.  Everyone could use at least a little support sorting out their emotions in a relationship breakdown - even those who think they are functioning at the highest levels. And that goes for their lawyers too, we've learned.

Beyond having good and supportive coaches, the lawyers have to be aware of those emotions, identify them, and then work to understand where they are coming from. From that recognition and analysis, we can then move to taking away from those emotions the power to over-ride our need to engage our "right brain" so that we can make the best decisions possible.

We learned, for example, that being able to predict pain makes it more bearable and actually reduces the effect that anger and fear can have on us. So - normalize those emotions. Tell our clients, "It's ok to be upset and to be angry. You will likely find moments during negotiations where you are going to be upset and angry - and when that happens, let us know. Let me know. And then, we're going to deal with it. We're going to explain in non-combative language, "I'm feeling angry, or sad, or frustrated when...this... happens." And then we'll find a way to, if not have your spouse agree with you; at least understand your feelings and why you feel them.

In doing this - with your client or yourself, it reduces the power that those emotions have to cloud our rational thought process. It increases our own personal power to work beyond the upset and the anger, and gives us the best chance of finding resolution in a respectful and constructive manner.

So - easy to say, now it's going to take some work to implement.

But, I think, the work is worth it.