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Monday, December 5, 2011

Collaborative Divorce: Heroes and Victims




Heroism.

It's an often misused and maligned concept.

We use it to refer to characters in comic books and movies.  Or, more often, we don't use it at all, and begin to believe that it doesn't really exist in modern society.

But I see it every day.

I see it in the client who has been married for 30 years, having never worked outside the home, and while working through her divorce, she returns to school at 50 to commence her second career after homemaker.

I see it in the client who has his children taken far away by a vengeful and bitter ex-spouse, but who perseveres anyway, who comes to my office cheerful and upbeat - with a mission to work to make things better, but who still sees the positive parts of his life even as he struggles to assure his children that he hasn't given up on them.

I see it in Collaborative divorce clients who dare to meet, face to face, with someone who has broken their heart and their trust - and who work to understand the point of view of the person who has hurt them, to find solutions that are not based upon retribution, but based upon mutual respect for a need to find an acceptable solution that works for both parties.

These people dare to fight against being seen, and seeing themselves, as victims.

And that makes them heroic.

I can't take credit for the need to examine our lives in these terms - that credit would go to Susan Neiman- author of an incredible book I read a short time ago, "Moral Clarity: A Guide for Grown Up Idealists". 

In her book, she discusses the concept of victims and heroes, and she concludes that we spend too much time recognizing victims and too little time recognizing the accomplishments of those who overcome victim-hood.

She suggests this is, in part, based upon our own insecurities of what WE would do in similar circumstances:
"..if heroes are an inspiration, they are also a challenge, and it's a challenge we'd often prefer to forget.  The knowledge that some people have made more out of their lives than you have can be unwelcome."

Better to celebrate victimhood, to look to others and ourselves and to say, "To succeed in the face of adversity is too hard, too unrealistic..  we should admire the victims in our society and then demand that someone else (not the victim) rises up to address their inequity."

But in doing that we do a disservice to the victim - because we assume that the adversity they have been forced to endure leaves them impotent.  That they are weak and helpless - where the reality is that we all have strength within us.  And to diminish the ability of a victim to overcome their adversity is to further victimize them.

Thus is the failing of our current ethos of family law - and, in the bargain, part of the allure and beauty of Collaborative Divorce.

Because inherent in the Collaborative process is the notion that, "Yes, you can!"

We sign contracts saying, "We will not go to Court, we will create our own solutions."

And, in the absence of the massive power of the Courts and the Legislature, our clients do resolve very difficult and painful problems in the breakdown of their relationships - perhaps the most painful and difficult loss we can experience short of the death of a loved one.

And in doing so, something profound occurs.

They learn to recognize their power to overcome.

Where they have children, their children see parents who work hard under difficult circumstances to create solutions - an example which one might be hard-pressed to over-value.

Collaborative Divorce is not easy, it is not painless, and it requires courage and effort to participate.

But our clients who have gone through it, and succeeded - well they already know that.

Which is what makes them heroic.