To Collaborative Professionals - A "Free" Marketing Idea

So.

I'm sitting here in the Delta Sky Lounge at San Francisco airport, reading a book purchased yesterday at the IACP forum written by our Saturday speaker, Dan Ariely, "Predictably Irrational".

The premise of the book is that all of us, as consumers, make purchase decisions and life choices which are not based upon our own best interests - as much as we like to think otherwise.

We will drive across town to save $5.00 on a $20.00 pen, but we will not do the same to save $5.00 on a $500.00 suit.

And when offered something for "Free", we are inclined to make choices with even less regard for our actual interests.

So then.

What to do with that?

We know, those of us who practice in this area, that Collaborative Process is inherently better for our clients, by and large, than the traditional litigation-based approach to conflict resolution.

And yet, the process still represents a relatively small portion of overall numbers of people going through divorce.

To this point we have relied upon rational explanations of the inherent decency of the process to encourage clients to choose it, based upon the assumption that our clients make entirely rational decisions regarding their own best interests.

Ariely, however, makes it very clear that in fact they do not - particularly so, perhaps, in the case of divorce.

So what then?

Well. Ariely has explained that even when we are faced with a more advantageous proposal, all things considered - when compared to the "free" option, people will flock to the "free". He explains it, in part, to risk aversion. Even if the option is bad, at least you didn't pay for it.

What, then, if we offered a better option for free?

Suppose we offered a free consultation to those going through divorce regarding be Collaborative process?

I'm not suggesting we, as lawyers, charge less for our service in the process - as the choice ultimately shouldn't be a WallMart sort of decision.

But, if Ariely is correct, one might assume people will come talk to us.

To paraphrase James Earl Jones, "People will come.. Oh, they most certainly will come."

So.

Think about it.

On your own, or perhaps in conjunction with your practice group, try it out. Put a couple ads or notices out there that you will offer a free consult to explain the Collaborative Process.

And then let me know how it worked.

And maybe next year, in Chicago, we can explain how we put our Saturday lunch speaker to work, to a hopefully positive result.

BMO Report: Canadians Underestimate Financial Impact of Divorce

The Bank of Montreal, in a study reported in Marketwatch last week, reports that while over 100,000 Canadians divorce every year, very few of them appreciate the financial impact resulting from the divorce.

In the study, prepared by Leger Marketing, respondents were asked how they felt divorce would impact them.

While 41% responded, as one might guess, that family life would be impacted by a divorce, only 19% reported that they felt their finances would be impacted, and even less, 14%, felt that their standard of living would be impacted.

Those of us who practice divorce could have easily provided the same advice.

How many people come to us, eager to move out of a difficult marriage, but blissfully ignorant of the serious impact that divorce will have upon their finances and their standard of living?

Couple that with anger and frustration with their spouse - and you have a perfect storm for litigation as spouses seek to deny the inevitable - that THEIR lifestyle will suffer when you take two people who had been sharing their finances and now create two separate homes.

Over and over we see spouses refusing accept the reality of their support obligations, or conversely, who refuse to accept the limitations of the other party's support obligations - leading them to Court where, quite often, both parties are left dazed and confused as their financial problems are amplified now by significant new debt in the form of significant legal fees.

So, then.

Time for a reality check.

If your finances aren't perfect when you are married, what makes you think that they are going to get better when the two of you now acquire a second home, a second set of utilities, and all the other expenses that are duplicated in two homes?

Add to that the need to furnish the new home.

Add to that the costs of legal representation.

I think you see the problem.

Can you avoid the financial pain often inherent in divorce?

No.

But you can control the bleeding.  You can reduce your risk through, firstly, accepting the reality that assets are going to be divided, that finances are going to be reorganized - which will create discomfort.

Then - through the use of Collaborative professionals, including lawyers, counselors, and financial advisors, you can create a plan to minimize risk and loss.  Put down the guns and pick up the pencils.  Figure out a plan which represents a reasonable compromise for both parties.

Whether your divorce is in Lethbridge,  Calgary, Edmonton, Lloydminster, or anywhere else in Alberta - there are Collaborative professionals who are ready and willing to help you put the pieces back together as much as possible.

Or you can pretend that the "divorce fairy" will make everything better - that you won't pay any support, or that the support you receive will be more than enough to maintain the lifestyle that you had before.

And then get ready when reality later crashes in - accompanied by thousands of dollars in legal bills.

Your choice.

Divorce - No Time to Air Your Troubles on the Talk Show Circuit

Well.

More examples of how to damage your children in a divorce.

Cue paparazzi camera flash and TMZ gossip mongers interviewing children in the midst of a custody battle.

While some high-profile divorcing couples have seen the benefits to themselves and their children of civilized and low-key resolution of their issues (see Tiger Woods, Robin Williams, Cameron Crowe and Nancy Wilson), others, such as Kelsey Grammer and his "Real Wife".. err.. now "Real Ex-Housewife of Beverly Hills, Camille Grammer have made a point it appears of making their divorce as public as possible.

Go ahead and search Google videos for "Grammer divorce", and see what I mean.
Witness today's news story regarding an application by Kelsey Grammer seeking a gag order to prevent his former spouse from allowing their children to be interviewed by reporters, following quickly upon a dismissed application brought by Camille Grammer seeking to remove the children from their father's care because he allegedly sent them to activities with a Nanny.

Now.

In fairness, Kelsey Grammer appears to be more often responding to his former spouse flitting about in the media disclosing her scorn and anger - ignoring the reality that their children are being exposed very publicly to this circus - the reality is that it takes two to tango, and certainly, it does not appear that the need to provide children stability and freedom to love both of their parents is in the forefront of the Grammer divorce.

Contrast that with the relative lack of public commentary by the most sensational divorce, perhaps, of the last decade - Tiger Woods and Elin Nordgren.

Short, brief interviews where neither party attacks the other, and most often comment on how important it is to assure that their children's needs are put first - Tiger Woods recently commenting, "You know, it's a sad time in our lives," he said. "And we're looking forward in our lives and how we can help our kids the best way we possibly can. And that's the important thing."  Commentary from the children's mother, Elin Nordgren was similarly conciliatory:

"..she told People she had no intention of addressing the matters again, saying she hoped she and her children could get the privacy they needed to adjust to their new lives.

Despite everything Nordegren said she has no regrets and is gracious toward her ex.


"I wish him all the best in the future, as a person and as an athlete," she said.

The needs of the children require priority over the anger and hurt of the parents.

Sad that so many couples don't see that.

Consider the examples above.

And, if you or someone you know is experiencing a relationship breakdown involving children, consider the example of Tiger Woods and Elin Nordgren as opposed to that of Kesley and Camille Grammer.

Whether your divorce is in Lethbridge, Alberta, or Beverly Hills, California, the issue is the same - conflict and anger is a good recipe for raising troubled children.

Give children the best opportunity to survive a divorce unscathed.

Consider a Collaborative Divorce team as the children's best option.

Choose your process FIRST. And your lawyer second.

Well.

Aren't I important. 

I'm a divorce lawyer.  I have a law degree from the University of British Columbia, I have 26 years experience as a family law specialist, I've run scores of trials and appeals in Lethbridge, in Calgary, in Medicine Hat.  All over Alberta, really.

Pretty impressive, huh?

But here's a bit of advice.  The most important person in determining how your divorce is going to work out isn't your lawyer.  It isn't some Judge. 

It's you.

The key to a reasonable resolution of your divorce is YOU.

Now, in fairness, it's actually you and your former spouse or partner, but you can't control your partner (newsflash for some clients), you can only control you.  And the greatest predictor for how difficult your divorce is going to be is how YOU establish your mindset going into the process.

Ask yourself some fundamental questions:

a) What do I want, really?

Do you want to spend the next year or two of your life in and out of the capricious and unpredictable court system?

Do you want your children to grow up angry and unhappy, with life-long scars of watching their parents battle for the whole of their childhood?

Do you want what property you have worked hard to acquire to be, eventually, split between lawyers, instead of being used to save for your retirement or to assist your children in University?

Or.

Do I want to get through this process with as little collateral damage as possible?

Do I want to maximize my ability to effectively parent in a world where being a parent is already hard enough?

Do I want to get through a painful period of my life in a respectful, thoughtful way, moving forward as quickly as reasonable possible, moving from storm into sunshine?

b) What is the best process choice to obtain the outcome I want?

If you haven't guessed it, while as a litigation lawyer, I make a good living going to court, I have a preference for encouraging clients to find solutions, not confrontation.

So - if you truly believe that a negotiated resolution (which means you can't have everything you want) is your best option - well, then, consider your options to find that resolution.

Court?

Arbitration?

Mediation?

Collaborative Law?

Spend a little time online, research your alternatives, and then decide how YOU want to proceed.  Take control of the process - to the extent possible being only one half of the process.

And then, only then, choose the person to help guide you through that - your lawyer.

The bottom-line message, which I have borrowed from Lori B. Kikuchi, a business consultant in North Carolina, who has a very interesting website: Quitethesite.com.

She supports Collaborative Law, and the closing line of her October 3 blog is priceless:

Choose your Divorce Process First - Your Divorce Attorney Second

How to Make Divorce Harder on Your Kids

An excellent article contributed by a member of the Association of Collaborative Lawyers of Alberta, Barb Hepperle, M.Sc., Life & Divorce Coach, Family Conflict and Divorce Mediator.


Is your child having difficulty adjusting to the breakdown of your relationship? If so, you may need to take a hard look at your own attitudes and behaviours. Decades of research show that it is not the divorce that hurts kids; it’s the way the parents interact with one another. If you want to ensure that your child will become permanently emotionally and socially crippled by your divorce, then here are some suggestions to guide you.

#1: Argue with your ex-spouse in front of your child.

Is your child is experiencing more psychological problems such as anxiety, depression, bullying, poor self-esteem, physical complaints, and difficulties in school? Are you blaming the other parent or the divorce? Ongoing conflict between parents is very frightening for children and when you fight, your child’s greatest fear is that you won’t love them anymore either.

When you are hurt and angry it’s difficult to separate out your needs from those of your child but your kids need to trust that you will not reject them. Your behaviour serves as a role model for your kids. Children learn by observing so consider carefully what you are teaching them. As they see, so shall they be! Protect your child by keeping your heated conversations out of earshot. No matter how many times you reassure them, a small part will always be convinced that you are getting divorced because of them and they will interpret your negative reactions as being directed at them and not at the other parent. The more you can manage your own conflict, the better your child will adjust.

#2: Use your child as a messenger or a spy.

It’s easy to see your child as a simple way to pass on a message when you want to have as little contact as possible with the person you believe is responsible for all your pain. After all, you get to avoid a confrontation so that’s gotta be better, right? Wrong! In the long run, it harms your child.

Sending messages to the other parent through your child or asking them a lot of questions about the other parent’s personal life, places the child in the position of being ‘caught in the middle’. You violate your child’s trust and can cause them to feel guilty for enjoying their time with the other parent. Studies show that this is one of the most stressful events for children coping through divorce.

And why would you ask your child to be mature enough to handle something that you can’t? Not only does a child have to cope with your negative emotions, you force them to try and cope with the other parent’s responses as well! Adult communication has to happen between adults. Clean up your act and communicate directly with the other parent.

#3: Be in a power struggle with the other parent.

Now is not the time to try and be a Disneyland parent. Your child’s affection is not a competition to be won or lost. Divorce does not diminish the privileges, rights and responsibilities of both parents. It is the child’s right to have maximum involvement with both parents and nurturing this healthy attachment allows your child to feel safe and secure. It is also essential for allowing your child to develop self-confidence and trust in others; it builds the foundation for the quality of relationships we have as adults.

Accommodate each other’s schedules by allowing flexible adjustments and alternate arrangements. And remember, a child keeps his relatives as well. Just as adults need extra support though this painful transition, so do your children. Having the support of the extended family will help minimize their pain so it’s up to you to ensure grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins from your spouse’s side are still involved in your child’s life!

#4 Use your child as an ally.

Do you allow your child to talk disrespectfully about the other parent? Have you ever disconnected the phone or told the other parent the child can’t talk now because…., and the list goes on? Do you plan activities that interfere with the other parent’s time? Maybe you ask your child to keep secrets or let them make the decisions about spending time with the other parent. Many divorcing couples let their anger and bitterness fuel how they relate to their child, intentionally or unintentionally pressuring the child to take sides

A child naturally wants to love each parent and your child needs permission to love both of you. By exposing them to criticism of the other parent, you are creating tremendous inner conflict for your child. It causes them to feel upset, insecure and confused. It is your job and responsibility as a parent to encourage a close and continuing relationship with the other parent so it is imperative that you separate out your feelings towards your spouse from those you have toward your children.

Ask yourself, would you act this way if you were still married? If you are doing something now that you wouldn’t before your divorce then you may be an alienating parent. Observe your behaviour carefully and change any actions that unwittingly are directed toward driving a wedge between your child and the other parent. Over time, your kids will respect the parent who played fair.

#5 Don’t keep the other parent informed.

If you don’t want your children to adjust well to your divorce, then make sure you neglect to keep the other parent informed about any problems, concerns, progress, and developments as they come up.

Children will manage just fine when both parents are actively involved in their daily activities as much as possible. You don’t need to be buddies with your ex, but do be sure

to discuss any major decisions that will impact your children well ahead of time. Acting responsibly allows your child to feel secure knowing that a responsible adult is taking care of them.

#6 Threaten or Engage in Custody battles

It doesn’t matter how old or how smart your child is, kids are extremely sensitive to their parents emotions. Custody battles are rarely, if ever in the best interests of the children, or anyone for that matter. Did you know that the emotional tug-o-war of legal battles and high conflict directly impacts your own ability to be an effective parent?

Angry moms tend to exclude dads from parenting responsibilities and are often more frustrated and less empathic with their sons while using harsher discipline and guilt or anxiety-inducing techniques. Angry dads may be more intrusive and negative with their kids. If you think your ex is a ‘dead-beat’ beat dad, then check your own attitude. Dads are more likely to withdraw from their parenting role in order to avoid high conflict not their kids.

Your children deserve to be protected a much as possible from the damaging fallout from your divorce and rest assured that they will always adjust better when they have as much contact as possible with both parents. If you fear for the safety of your child, you can seek supervised contact for the child but don’t deny your child their right to form their own relationship with other parent.

Conflict and battles are toxic and soul-destroying for everyone. It takes responsibility and maturity to recognize your own contribution to the struggles and difficulties. The secret to stopping the tug-o-war is that only one side has to let go. Will you be the one to step up to the plate?

The Collaborative Divorce "Fad"

Collaborative Law - World Wide "Fad"

About ten years ago, a few lawyers in Medicine Hat, Alberta brought a trainer to their small town to show lawyers a new negotiation process called "Collaborative Law".

I had never heard of such a thing - and, to be sure, not many other people had heard of it either at that point.  As near as I can tell, we were perhaps the first lawyers in Canada to receive this training - from a lawyer named Chip Rose.

Soon after learning about it, a group of lawyers in both Medicine Hat and Lethbridge commenced their own "Collaborative Law" practice groups, followed quickly by groups in Calgary, Edmonton, Red Deer and Lloydminster.

Yet - even as the groups spread across the province of Alberta, still, we encountered friction and opposition from many lawyers who felt threatened, or perhaps, insulted by a process which was premised on a "better way" to divorce.  It was referred to by many as a "fad" which would fade away in time.

But, 10 years later, it's stronger than ever and still growing.

How wide spread is this process now?

Wales, U.K. - Sept. 8, 2011 -  from Wales Online: "Tune in to different set of options for finding solutions to conflict" ;

Charlotte, North Carolina - Sept. 27, 2011 - from Marketwatch:  "Planning for Divorce: Horack Talley Recommends 8 Steps To Take" (Which includes considering Collaborative Law);

Brentwood, Tennessee - Sept. 28, 2011 - from Insurance News "Rosemary Frank Attends National Conference to Refine Expertise"(Ms. Frank is a Collaborative Divorce Financial Neutral);

Milwaukee, Wisconsin - Sept. 15, 2011 - from the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel "A better way in divorce process";

Australia - July 20, 2011 - from The New Lawyer, "Collaborative law in lawyers' hands"

Indeed, if one is looking for a Collaborative Professional, checking into the listing of members of the International Association of Collaborative Professionals, you will find the following professionals:

Lawyer - Eva Vaňková, Vysoké Mýto, Czech Republic;

Lawyer - Jean-Luc Rivoire, Paris, France;

Mental Health Professional - Elisheva Zohar Reich, Tel Aviv, Israel;

Lawyer - Hok Shi Elsie Liu, Hong Kong, China;

Lawyer - Walter Bwire, Kampala, Uganda

Collaborative Law and Collaborative Divorce is not a fad.  It is not a passing fancy.  It is a process that is helping people all the world over find a less caustic way to find resolution in the midst of one of the most emotionally painful experiences a person can experience.

If you or someone you know is in the midst of divorce or family breakdown, consider a collaborative approach.

For more information contact: ACLA - Association of Collaborative Lawyers of Alberta