How to Make Divorce Harder on Your Kids

An excellent article contributed by a member of the Association of Collaborative Lawyers of Alberta, Barb Hepperle, M.Sc., Life & Divorce Coach, Family Conflict and Divorce Mediator.


Is your child having difficulty adjusting to the breakdown of your relationship? If so, you may need to take a hard look at your own attitudes and behaviours. Decades of research show that it is not the divorce that hurts kids; it’s the way the parents interact with one another. If you want to ensure that your child will become permanently emotionally and socially crippled by your divorce, then here are some suggestions to guide you.

#1: Argue with your ex-spouse in front of your child.

Is your child is experiencing more psychological problems such as anxiety, depression, bullying, poor self-esteem, physical complaints, and difficulties in school? Are you blaming the other parent or the divorce? Ongoing conflict between parents is very frightening for children and when you fight, your child’s greatest fear is that you won’t love them anymore either.

When you are hurt and angry it’s difficult to separate out your needs from those of your child but your kids need to trust that you will not reject them. Your behaviour serves as a role model for your kids. Children learn by observing so consider carefully what you are teaching them. As they see, so shall they be! Protect your child by keeping your heated conversations out of earshot. No matter how many times you reassure them, a small part will always be convinced that you are getting divorced because of them and they will interpret your negative reactions as being directed at them and not at the other parent. The more you can manage your own conflict, the better your child will adjust.

#2: Use your child as a messenger or a spy.

It’s easy to see your child as a simple way to pass on a message when you want to have as little contact as possible with the person you believe is responsible for all your pain. After all, you get to avoid a confrontation so that’s gotta be better, right? Wrong! In the long run, it harms your child.

Sending messages to the other parent through your child or asking them a lot of questions about the other parent’s personal life, places the child in the position of being ‘caught in the middle’. You violate your child’s trust and can cause them to feel guilty for enjoying their time with the other parent. Studies show that this is one of the most stressful events for children coping through divorce.

And why would you ask your child to be mature enough to handle something that you can’t? Not only does a child have to cope with your negative emotions, you force them to try and cope with the other parent’s responses as well! Adult communication has to happen between adults. Clean up your act and communicate directly with the other parent.

#3: Be in a power struggle with the other parent.

Now is not the time to try and be a Disneyland parent. Your child’s affection is not a competition to be won or lost. Divorce does not diminish the privileges, rights and responsibilities of both parents. It is the child’s right to have maximum involvement with both parents and nurturing this healthy attachment allows your child to feel safe and secure. It is also essential for allowing your child to develop self-confidence and trust in others; it builds the foundation for the quality of relationships we have as adults.

Accommodate each other’s schedules by allowing flexible adjustments and alternate arrangements. And remember, a child keeps his relatives as well. Just as adults need extra support though this painful transition, so do your children. Having the support of the extended family will help minimize their pain so it’s up to you to ensure grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins from your spouse’s side are still involved in your child’s life!

#4 Use your child as an ally.

Do you allow your child to talk disrespectfully about the other parent? Have you ever disconnected the phone or told the other parent the child can’t talk now because…., and the list goes on? Do you plan activities that interfere with the other parent’s time? Maybe you ask your child to keep secrets or let them make the decisions about spending time with the other parent. Many divorcing couples let their anger and bitterness fuel how they relate to their child, intentionally or unintentionally pressuring the child to take sides

A child naturally wants to love each parent and your child needs permission to love both of you. By exposing them to criticism of the other parent, you are creating tremendous inner conflict for your child. It causes them to feel upset, insecure and confused. It is your job and responsibility as a parent to encourage a close and continuing relationship with the other parent so it is imperative that you separate out your feelings towards your spouse from those you have toward your children.

Ask yourself, would you act this way if you were still married? If you are doing something now that you wouldn’t before your divorce then you may be an alienating parent. Observe your behaviour carefully and change any actions that unwittingly are directed toward driving a wedge between your child and the other parent. Over time, your kids will respect the parent who played fair.

#5 Don’t keep the other parent informed.

If you don’t want your children to adjust well to your divorce, then make sure you neglect to keep the other parent informed about any problems, concerns, progress, and developments as they come up.

Children will manage just fine when both parents are actively involved in their daily activities as much as possible. You don’t need to be buddies with your ex, but do be sure

to discuss any major decisions that will impact your children well ahead of time. Acting responsibly allows your child to feel secure knowing that a responsible adult is taking care of them.

#6 Threaten or Engage in Custody battles

It doesn’t matter how old or how smart your child is, kids are extremely sensitive to their parents emotions. Custody battles are rarely, if ever in the best interests of the children, or anyone for that matter. Did you know that the emotional tug-o-war of legal battles and high conflict directly impacts your own ability to be an effective parent?

Angry moms tend to exclude dads from parenting responsibilities and are often more frustrated and less empathic with their sons while using harsher discipline and guilt or anxiety-inducing techniques. Angry dads may be more intrusive and negative with their kids. If you think your ex is a ‘dead-beat’ beat dad, then check your own attitude. Dads are more likely to withdraw from their parenting role in order to avoid high conflict not their kids.

Your children deserve to be protected a much as possible from the damaging fallout from your divorce and rest assured that they will always adjust better when they have as much contact as possible with both parents. If you fear for the safety of your child, you can seek supervised contact for the child but don’t deny your child their right to form their own relationship with other parent.

Conflict and battles are toxic and soul-destroying for everyone. It takes responsibility and maturity to recognize your own contribution to the struggles and difficulties. The secret to stopping the tug-o-war is that only one side has to let go. Will you be the one to step up to the plate?