Collaborative Law - It's About Fear Reduction

Fear.

It brings out the worst in human beings.

Because it literally makes us less rational.  Neuroscientists, studying brain function, have shown that when we are in situations of fear, what is called our "reptilian brain", or our lymbic and primitive subcortical structures become more dominant in controlling our decision making processes.

This part of our brain is often referred to as our "fight or flight" centre - and results in more instinctual and less rational considered conduct during times of great stress - fear or anger.

Our deepest, most considered thinking, comes from our prefrontal cortex - our "rational brain" if you will, and as fear increases, the operation of this "rational brain" diminishes.

So then.

Consider our emotions during a marriage or relationship breakdown.

Heightened fear and anger.

We worry about our worth as human beings, after being disappointed by someone who we placed our trust in for life.

We are fearful over our ability to maintain our relationship with our children.

We are angry over the loss of economic stability inherent in the coming distribution of assets and resources.

Take all of this into account, and if you are not careful, you are building a perfect storm of fear and anger that will often take us to places where calm rational thought is all but impossible..  and we ready ourselves to either take flight or to fight.

Now.

Add to that mix the "adversarial system of justice".

By definition, it is premised on the need for battle - albeit a non-violent battle within a system of decorum and rules.

This is hardly a process designed to maximize the ability of the parties in that dispute to calm down their "primitive subcortical structures", and to engage their higher brain to make the best possible decisions for themselves and, most importantly, their children.

It is a process which, in fact, heightens our fear and our anxiety - because takes control away from the parties themselves, and puts it in the hands of a person who doesn't know them and who they don't know - and provides results which can and do vary wildly between parties of similar circumstances - often to devastating results for one or both parties. 

In light of this reality - it is almost expected that we see stories in our news, such as the following:

"Westchester Man Killed His Wife and Children Before Shooting Himself, Police Say"
October 19, 2011 CROSS RIVER, N.Y. — Late in the spring, Samuel Friedlander, by appearances a successful lawyer, seemed distraught to Kenneth Novenstern, who was representing Mr. Friedlander in his divorce from his wife, Amy...

 "Tensions, divorce talk led to NH murder-suicide"

Associated Press / October 13, 2011 CONCORD, N.H.—The man who shot his wife to death in front of her two young daughters over the summer and then turned the gun on himself was reeling from her decision to divorce him, according to a New Hampshire Attorney General's office report released Thursday.

Twenty-two-year-old Matthew Balch shot his 25-year-old wife, Sarah, in the driveway of their home June 14 and then killed himself.

"Father went on California gun massacre 'over custody of son' "
October 13, 2011 LOS ANGELES, CA - Scott Dekraai, 42, walked into the parlour where his former wife Michelle worked as a stylist, and opened fire.

They had been locked in a bitter battle over their seven-year-old son since divorcing in 2007.

Witnesses described how the upmarket Salon Meritage in Orange County became a scene of carnage.  It was full when a gunman burst through the door and began shooting, sending terrified customers and hairdressers diving for cover.

Six women and two men died, and a ninth victim was in a critical condition in hospital.

To be sure, thankfully, these incidents are not the "norm" - but they occur often enough that it should cause us pause to perhaps re-evaluate just how we facilitate couples finding their way out of a broken relationship.

And even though we may not be in fear that our spouse is about to cause us harm, reality is that the fear and anger often inherent in divorce will, if we are not careful, lead us to make decisions which are hardly premised on a calm and rational examination of what is in our own best interests and the best interests of our children.

This is where Collaborative Law can make a difference.

By it's very nature, it is premised upon requiring couples to take time to examine what their interests are, and to construct a resolution which most closely aligns with the realization of those interests.

More importantly, it puts control back in the hands of the people whose lives are being impacted - and takes it away from distant and unpredictable judicial proceedings.

Does it make divorce easy?

No.

Does it make divorce painless?

No.

What it does, however, is allow parties to find their way through a divorce in a manner which is more respectful and rational, and which allows for a result which is in the sole control of the two people who matter. 

Think about it.

And if you, or someone you know, is in the midst of a divorce or a family breakdown - by all means consider Collaborative Divorce as an option which just might help.